Still on the fascinating subject of shame, I came across this statement by Linda Cundy:
People with a “dismissing” pattern of attachment have a huge repertoire of defences that they use to keep others – including their therapists – at arm’s length. They may be full of anger and lash out at others, or are self-controlled and perfectionist, demanding high standards of themselves and other people and are contemptuous when these are not achieved. They can be self-sufficient, driven or evasive. The core difficulty is shame – they are not acceptable to themselves. (my emphasis)
What struck me reading this is that what could be mistaken for the personality of someone might be a cover up of their utter loneliness turned into some form of self-sufficiency. And then what challenged me was to try to understand what it would need for such a person to be enabled to feel loved.